I've changed my skin, i've invited certain people to my blog. I don't know. The past few days have passed in a blur for me. So quick. The single thing I can pick out from these few days is that I am finally, truly, clearly, heartbroken.

I don't know. What was the wait worth? Several days over one year of patient waiting, albeit with the ups and downs along the way, all for what? To discover that, she's fallen for another since months before today? I believe she's not such a person, she has a heart. But then again, I am contradicting myself, aren't I? I'm in denial? Maybe I am. All the happy times that we've enjoyed, the tough times that we'd been through, thrown away in the blink of an eye. All of it comes together, and really makes me wonder if i'm a replacement after all. Whether I was blind to the greater picture, to what Genevieve truly is. I still love her, I do not deny that. Maybe it is because of the illusion of an angel that I fail to spot the devil, and having said that, I still cannot comprehend how this has happened to me. Quote Nic, "You're too nice Alvin". Is it now my turn to scorn myself for being who I really am? Is it my fate, to be taken advantage of, time and time again, by people whom I pretend or truly fall in love with? Knowing this though, you make ask why do I keep soldiering on, in spite of the knowledge i'm going to get terribly hurt emotionally along the way? I guess it's just what makes me Alvin. Nic would say i'm stupid. I don't blame her for it, I am stupid. Ying will have no comment. Danil would probably wait for me to finish being emo before he talks to me. Yling, I miss. And several others of you. (I still love you guys regardless.) I guess I am silly. Naive. Innocent. Whatever you want to call it. I can't fucking help it. If there was a time when I really wanted to be somebody else, it's now.

The lad is from Singapore. He trolled my msn using her MSN account before. I woke up in the morning, finding none-too-pleasant messages scrawled on the chat window, with time of message sent being from 3.43am to 4.15 am, thereabouts. What they were doing at that time of the day, I'll leave it to your imagination. What are we looking at? Where do I belong now? Quote Kat, "I think I'm gonna give up on these feelings as a whole". Love has always been dissapointing for me, and I don't forsee it changing anytime soon.

Did you know it was because of her that I got addicted to Eclipses? Did you know that I probably would not have found my way about Sydney if it wasn't for her? I'm useless, and it's only just given me a slap in the face. I want to dissociate myself from anything that has to do with her, lest they serve as reminders and chains to the pain that is heartbreak. I'll work on my Eclipse addiction, I don't think teddy bears are cute gifts anymore, I wanted to throw the bracelet away, but I can't find it anymore. As I look around my room at the walls slowly baring itself with the way i've personalized it, I realise that I'm also leaving a part of me behind here, in Sydney. I'll start anew in Melbourne, or anywhere else, when the time comes. The extras are packed away in boxes and bags, put away in cupboards and storerooms. I'll also be moving into a different bedroom when I get home. Most of my shirts will remain here in Sydney for later collection. I feel like i'm losing something. My moustache and beard is running unkempt, my hair is uncombed. I see bits and pieced of paper on the once clean carpet. The stand that was once draped with towels, ties, belts, clothing, now stands stripped in the corner. My bookrack is devoid of what used to bend its racks. What other changes lie in wait for me when I get home? Who am I going to be?

There is so much more to say, so much more to do, so much more to think about. It is all, however, reduced to blurs by the swirling vortex of emotions that is the tightness within my chest. As I agonisingly wait for the sun to rise on the horizon, I can only sit in front of my laptop and stare, with her voice still ringing in my ears, and her image burnt into my mind's eye.

I'm hopeless, friends.

- Alvin Foo
- 19 on 20
- UNSW '13
- Football
- Manchester United

Welcome to my secret sanctuary. My thoughts, wishes, visions, recorded in text and frozen in time.

This was actually my 4th choice of skin, changed for the coming of 2010! Yeah, the first 3 choices failed due to inactive image hosting. But it's okay, i'm pretty happy with this one too!

1) Look outside the box, look even at the things you weren't searching for.

2) Live life in harmony with your surrounding elements, live life without hate- only with love and acceptance.

3) Follow your heart, and never stray. Love your world; love your life, trust it- and life will return it in kind.

Eh, have I told you i'm almost always in love?

Danil
Darrel
Doovie
Ellen
Fatt
Jean
Khye-Ren
Krystine
Melanie
Melody
Nicole
Ryan
Sue Zen
Tai Yang
Victor
Yisan
Yi Tang
Ying
Ying Ling
Zhi Shan

Codes: Kathleen
Image: 'gilad of deviantART.
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