You know, i've been thinking for a while about this, I still haven't found the answer to it. When was the last time I seriously studied? I don't think it has been this year. Let's reflect a little.

HSC, Year 12? That doesn't sound right, I recall emotional issues that I failed to handle properly myself, due to my negligence to accept facts and cold hard truth.

PMR, Secondary 3? That isn't it either, I was stuffing around the whole god damned year with DotA?

UPSR, Primary 6? It was just tuition. Intensive tuition schedules, where me and 4 friends would just chat with each other, enjoy company and get our work done in an efficient manner.

PTS, Primary 3? Who studies for that? I wasn't too keen on jumping a grade myself, so I just finished it and went to Primary 4.

It's shocking for myself. I've realized that I haven't actually studied with a serious intent for the 19 years of my life. What do I do when people study? I play computer games, do sport, watch TV, all that kind of stuff. I also realize that I probably don't deserve to be in University. Remember those delinquents in your class back in the day? Do you remember how even they were bringing revision books and notes around with them several weeks before an exam? I had my books and notes too. But I still would feel embarrassed and guilty whenever I saw such a situation. Why did I have those books and notes in my hand, at those times? Was I trying to fit in with the crowd? Was I, trying to make me, feel better about myself? Was I doing it, so I could dodge a question by a friend by saying 'I'm busy'? Well, I sure as hell can tell you, I sure as hell didn't bring them there to study them.

Dear reader, do you see that blue little box over there on the left of your screen, with comments by random kind souls around the globe? Please, use it to enlighten me, to what it is, to truly study. Do you pick up a book, and read it, hoping you'll remember stuff? Do you write down stuff that you think is important while reading it? Do you then refer to these little notes you've made, and try to do exercises and questions? These are the little recollections that I have since primary school, throughout to high school, of what people have told me to do. I haven't tried them, have you? Do they work? I hear people say, the method that is most effective, changes from person to person. Is this truth? Or is it, just some random excuse that a guy or girl came up with to cover up their inability? Sounds close to what i've been doing.

I have never, ever made an effort to correct what i've been doing. That is the undeniable truth, I admit it. I somehow thought i'd be able to make it through by just doing the same thing over and over again. Clearly, this is not the case. Did I think I was above the system and order that the world goes by? If you don't work hard, you don't get shit.

Mum told me, that it's okay, that she can support me financially, and that I shouldn't worry about it. Does she know this side of me? Does she suspect me? Do I, justify her sacrifices and pains? I don't think I do. This is slack. This is pitiful. This is a disgrace. This is disgusting, revolting even. This IS the epitome of deceit and foul trickery, for I have done nothing all my life but pretend that I have.

I write here today, dear reader, confessing my sins of the past, in search for desperately needed salvation and enlightenment. I write here today, so that you know the kind of person that I am, so that you may ridicule and taunt me for my pretending. If you are my friend, I write here today, so you may do me a favor, which is to never let me forget the feeling of shame, guilt, and despair- all mixed together, released when the mask crumbles to dust, and all is exposed. I do not seek pity, nor do I seek consolation, it's just a part of myself that I want to embrace, accept, and hopefully drop, for good.

So. I failed all my subjects.

- Alvin Foo
- 19 on 20
- UNSW '13
- Football
- Manchester United

Welcome to my secret sanctuary. My thoughts, wishes, visions, recorded in text and frozen in time.

This was actually my 4th choice of skin, changed for the coming of 2010! Yeah, the first 3 choices failed due to inactive image hosting. But it's okay, i'm pretty happy with this one too!

1) Look outside the box, look even at the things you weren't searching for.

2) Live life in harmony with your surrounding elements, live life without hate- only with love and acceptance.

3) Follow your heart, and never stray. Love your world; love your life, trust it- and life will return it in kind.

Eh, have I told you i'm almost always in love?

Danil
Darrel
Doovie
Ellen
Fatt
Jean
Khye-Ren
Krystine
Melanie
Melody
Nicole
Ryan
Sue Zen
Tai Yang
Victor
Yisan
Yi Tang
Ying
Ying Ling
Zhi Shan

Codes: Kathleen
Image: 'gilad of deviantART.
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